GREAT MOMENTS IN CELIBACY:
This Celibate Moment: Brought to You By Denny’s. “After a Super-Slam and a gallon of bad coffee, you won’t be fucking anything…You’ll just be shitting your guts out.”
On this date in 2001, Hans Maynard realized that chances of his ever fucking a woman again to completion without chemical assistance at the advanced age of 83 were not at all good. He’d been at this since the 60’s and there was no end in sight.
“I got quit the dick pills” said Hans M., “I just gotta say NO to drugs.”
He decided that it was best if he conserve his life-force, some of which was inevitably lost each time he ejaculated, so as to increase his longevity and leave more time for meditation, contemplation, and hopefully enlightenment prior to death. He put away his “sexy” suit and stopped cruising the red-light district in his1963 white convertible Cadillac, discontinued his subscription to Penthouse Magazine, and suspended indefinitely his quarterly visits to Dr. Richard Lewis, a self-described “Dr. Dick”, the urologist that had supplied Hans M. with an unlimited supply of Viagra since the drug’s conceptual phase and trial runs.
Hans’ sent his young trophy wife of 56 packing and sat, naked , flaccid, and alone out by the Jacuzzi at his palatial Santa Barbara estate, eyes closed, attempting to deeply meditate and get enlightened, ever aware of the hard and uncomfortable erection that poked insensate against the inner thigh of his opposite leg crossed tightly in lotus against the other. The Viagra hadn’t worn off, just yet, it seemed. “Down boy!” muttered Hans, “down!”
“This is gonna really suck” thought Hans M., “but it’s for the best.”
Hans M. died two weeks later of non-Viagra-aggravated heart angina.
(NOTE: This little piece is mainly only funny if the reader is in on the joke that it was actually written in 1995 and I found it on an old computer and uploaded it. Which is true…that part really happened.)